I’ve been Ate for as long as I can remember. Everyone calls me Ate. From home to school to work to peyups. I’m Ate.

It’s built-in, being Ate, that is. I know nothing but be one. I’m strict and I can give that “look” that would make you wanna confess. Heck, I can even give that look which made Pat say, “Don’t look so motherly, I can’t take it!” I also smother.

Once I was asked to be stationed at Makati. After that I ended up passing by Shaw to see my old team, I also went by Emerald to have dinner with Abel and Germs and I ended up having coffee at ABSCBN. It’s tiring but I want to make sure I make time for my friends. Several times I’ve gotten messages/calls of distress from friends. From Pasa-load to picking them up from wherever hell-hole they found themselves in to asking for rent money because they used their budget to play Counterstrike.

I’ve held their hands. I’ve sat beside them in silence. They soaked my shirts with tears and they’ve given me cramps for lying their heads on my shoulders for hours. I’ve had senseless talks over coffee. I’ve had bottles of beer and passed out in the process just so they won’t be alone. I’ve baby talked with them cos that’s what they do. I’ve moved boxes and fixed their PCs just because no one else can do it for them.

I remember seeing my cousin a few weeks back at Eastwood. He was supposed to hand me my new Canon cam. He came with this distressed look in his eyes and told me sorry cos the person who was supposed to release my order didn’t come to work and I went all the way there for nothing. There was some dirt on his glasses and I had the urge to wipe it. I held back and reminded myself that he’s not a kid no more and though I’m still his Ate, a 22 year old, 6′ tall guy can wipe his own glasses.

You could say I’m meant to be brooding. To ask too many questions. To hover around and all. I was built to be that way.

We all want to believe we’re hardcore. That we can make things happen. That we can withstand anything. That we’re invincible at one point or another.

I wanna believe I’m hardcore. I wanna believe that I’d survive and manage to rebuild everything after every disaster in my life. Fact is, we end up beat up. We survive but we’re beat up. We’re swollen and we’re bruised. And we’re afraid the next time we won’t be as invincible as we thought we were.

I feel that too. I believe I’m hardcore yet I fear that I won’t survive the next blow.

When the time comes for me to choose my path, I choose the harder one. I choose the impossible one. Then when failure sets in I could just give it a shrug and say, “It can’t happen anyway. Not the way I wanted it because it’s impossible.” Then the failure doesn’t sound so bad.

Have I been built any differently, then I would like to think that things would be a lot easier. Craving for success makes me want to fail more than anything. Being hardcore causes me to wish for the softer version of things. And so I use it as an excuse. My poor and sorry excuse.

It can’t happen anyway.

You,

I’ve spent countless days now trying to figure out where you may be at this moment. It’s like figuring out which star lies th farthest when all I can see are remnants of millions of years of energy travelling through that void space. I can’t FI-gure it out. It’s impossible to figure it out.

Once in a while I remember you and I’m pierced with so much longing. It makes me want to run away and be alone. There are times when you’re a sweet memory in my head. Most of the time though you’re nothing and no one that stays behind the veil of my consciousness, there but almost unaware.

I wait for the day when you’d come back to me. And when you do, it will be for the first time I’d really see you.

Me

I thought I could blog about something. Unfortunately, that something is somewhat elusive. I’ve nothing in particular to say simply because I feel spent. Not in the regular sense of the manner where you’re overdrawn or tired or whatnot. I’m spent because it feels like everything’s just way too ordinary to even blog about.

Another thing is…well, I’m not too comfy discussing the really heavy stuff in my life right now. Everything’s shifting again. A few years back I prayed for a big shock to happen. Sorta like a big bang that would rearrange my universe into random series of happy accidents. It did happen. And it seems like until now, the after shocks haven’t left me. In fact it’s getting more frequent. So there, I’m on a shift once more and I’m way too uncomfortable.

Online life hasn’t been much fun. I’ve been in a really bad situation recently. Not that it’s anything serious or important but just the fact that someone is calling me names and is spreading nasty rumors about me online, well, that’s just weird enough. I’m not in the mood for a cat fight though. So I let it slide…with a few bottles of beer.

I just got myself a new laptop and a wireless router. Now my desktop is finally taking a much needed rest and I can finally surf in my bed. Hay, heaven. I’m thinking a bit ahead but if my plans push through I need to buy my “stuff” now and start paying for everything while I still have a job.

Work has been wonderful. It ain’t all roses but it’s not even close to being “bad”. I’m not so sure though I’m meant for it. Still waiting to feel the “settling in, warm feeling”. I’m nowhere there YET. I’m very hopeful though. Very hopeful.

Hmm…Life’s been blah. That’s it.

Why I Love / Hate Peyups.com — Interacting With the Legendary Peyups Alpha Queen

Jul 9, ‘08 1:15 AM by Cypocalypse for everyone

Honestly, I wouldn’t be writing about this if she didn’t give me a full go-signal. This is something that I’d rather keep unknown to many. I don’t know. Let them play with what they perceive, and keep another layer of truth unnoticed. But to give her the benefit of the doubt, I’d write something about her so that things would not come solely from her own perspective. She’s Peyups.com’s queen–love her or hate her, she always have to carry both sides.

She is the queen–love her for her iconic status, or hate her for what she is inside that chuckles, which is made even more cute by the dimples. She gets the alpha bitch image as much as the alpha queen image. Certainly, not the perfect figure for the making of diplomacy–more like a female figure for getting into a girlie slugfest.

___________________________

Cypocalypse2: Dude, stop mentioning the words queen, alpha, iconic, and whatnot. Her ego would no longer fit in whatever office room she’s in right now.

Cypocalypse1: How about Matriarch?

Cypocalypse2: I don’t know. She hates the word though. Makes her look old.

____________________________

But seriously though, our personalities don’t really match well. She’s the iconic female that everybody reconizes and…

Cypocalypse2: You’re the iconic know-it-all uptight dork that everybody recognizes?

Cypocalypse1: Stop ruining the flow. This blog should be in paragraph format.

Cypocalypse2: Oh, ok.

____________________________

She is recognized as the matriarch , the unconventional,  the erratic, the top-of-the-line bitch. And I’m the guy who values principles, inner stability, inner consistency, and whatever is probably the opposite of her. In other words, we’re like Megatron and Starscream–we just don’t get along.

Cypocalypse2: And she would be Megatron because if you make her Starscream, then that would just make her second leader and she’ll hate you for it. So you have to be that whining aircraft Decepticon.

Cypocalypse1: Fuck

__________________________

This is one of the few moments that we have to interact. Really. The situation calls for it. It’s one those times where some people need to jack up their maturity and make sure a good assessment is done, and if possible, stramline the inner conflicts that goes around the community.

It’s easy to pretend that there’s nothing going. Everyone’s just an online username who posts messages, opinions, and whatnot. Of course, everyone knows that this isn’t true. People there meet in person. People there are real friends, they interact for real, and the community is big.

If there’s one thing that peyups.com people should be proud of, is the fact that they can form a solid online community that translates as a legitimate community outside the white, orange, and maroon website that binds them that is the website itself. For most other forums, such feat is hardly attainable. I don’t think Pinoyexchange has something as solid, nor does PTK, etc. And don’t make me mention the forums of La Salle, Ateneo, and UST. They are hardly even existent.

The problem strikes when some peyups.com starts thinking that he or she is the greatest entity on the planet, and all of a sudden, too many things are being fought about and the promise sustaining the group as a large collective whole becomes threatened.

Everyone thinks he’s the greatest one. Really. One can think that he’s the greatest bachelor in the planet when all he have is money, an ugly face, masochism, and little experience in a relationship.

One would think that he offers the greatest solution to the country’s economic problems when all that he really is is a guy who needs an effin’ girlfriend.

One may think that she’s the greatest in racking up partners but she’s still an emotional wreck that’s beyond logical comprehension.

And one can think that  Angel Locsin should be the number 1 girl in the FHM Top 100 while others would fanatically defend Marianne’s position. Though Cypocalypse thinks that Angel really deserves it. Haha!

Add up all all of the things that are being fought about and you have a big community who’s still hanging out with each other, but on the other hand, one has to take into account the conflicts that go along with it.

But no one gets into the center of it than the Queen.

And….no one gets to see things the way the Cypocalypse views them.

If anyone gets to have a lion’s share of the intrigues, the queen obviously gets them–the juiciest ones, the ones that people would like to talk about. She’s the queen after all. The recipient of rumors about who’s doing who, who’s acting mean, who’s doing the nasty, etc.

And the Cypocalypse would be a hypocrite if he would say that he’s not aware of them, or not affected, or not involved (indirectly, at most), when his recognizability matches that of the queen.

For one, everybody knows that the Cypocalypse and the Queen don’t like each other that much. It had always been a clash of his self righteousness and her stubborness in defining the moral walls of conventional ethics. We clash in principles most of the time, and probably, for most people with regard to what they know, what we have is always a subtle backstabbing of her own ridicules towards me and vice versa–the mean girl’s stubborness and my own’s ideals of setting things straight.

But when things go out of hand, and rumors start to float around about who’s clean or mean, who is doing the nasty with whom, who hates whom, or whom likes to make everything look like an ego slugfest just because they hold the PEYUPS prestige, Cypocalypse starts interacting with the most unlikely person he’d interact with–the person he supposedly doesn’t like, but for some reason, he has to do it anyway.

He starts interacting with someone he used to consider…………..a friend.

________________________

I told the queen that if we think about it, there are only few people that are involved here. Of course, I would no longer mention if she’s somehow in this thing directly. Even if I don’t mention everything explicitly, she knows what I would be referring to. She knows the person that she has to eventually deal with, she knows the people who are affected the most, she knows the real details of things, and the truth is, she could play the most crucial role if things do ever get into a legitimate closure. She’s is, afterall, the queen. Her control, her shot.

And then, she’d tell me how others are getting affected by this. How things affect her friends when they shouldn’t be affected or involved in the first place, and how she wishes that they can be outside of this, or how she wishes that it would just be her if anyone wants to poke something at her.

For some people, they would think that it’s all about the queen and her lackeys poking at anyone. Truth is, the queen is getting poked herself. And if one can have a certain degree of vulnerability, it’s her–she’s always around–YM is active almost always, and she’s normally present anywhere. Reducing it to a thing as simple has her being mean and ridiculing anyone at the sheer fun of it is something that is not well thought of, if not really naive.

Problem starts to get really worse when people start thinking that people are taking sides, when they are hardly there to begin with, and then people starts having their pre-conceived idea as to whom is allied to whom, and then people start aiming their guns at the wrong people, and then some of those aims could be directed towards friends that I know that are hardly involved to begin with. This became one of the situations that compelled me to talk to the queen again–my friends are getting affected too.

To be continued….

I’ve been watching episodes after episodes of Grey’s Anatomy on DVD. Been at it for the past 2-3 weekends. I started with Season 1 and I’m now on Season 3. It’s freaky how I can watch it and not be bored when I’m almost always bored however tired or busy I may be. I get a lot “calmer” when watching and you just let yourself slide into their lives which the scriptwriters and the directors control.

I like it. Losing control. Not thinking. Not having to decide on anything. Life’s been a bit over the top lately. So many lows with intermittent highs. It’s stretching myself to thin. Being at both ends keeps me high strung. My heart, I am certain, would fail me sooner than later. I can feel it giving up sometimes. I’ve been asked to go have myself checked since several nurses/doctors already told me I might be hypertensive. I just can’t push myself to go. Yeah, am afraid of what I’d find out. Just like over a year ago when I decided to peek in at the OB’s office and ended up being told I’ve problems with my ovaries and hormones and would need a constant dose of Metformin or else I’d blow up like a whale and take hormones to prevent myself from growing facial hairs. Yeah, sounds nice right? So there, I’ve been holding up from my visit to the doctor.

So I thought, maybe I should go soon. They say “complications” on TV way too much anyways. I’m sure I’d get one if I don’t come in sooner. Plus, I’ve enough complications in my life as is. I’m one big complication.

Too many.

Got to meet up with Hernani and Penny again. This time it was Hernan who got to feed us. Yipee~ We waited 3 years for this LOL~

My cousin also dropped by to hand me my new Ixus cam. Hihihi~ Finally. I also bought myself a new dress and a new blouse. Hernie ended up with 2 tops and a pair of shoes. Eating ice cream at ColdRock was a bummer though, this other table has 6 people in it and only one ordered something…that wasn’t the “bummer” part. One of the ugly guys won’t stop staring at me. Potah naman! Nakakasira ng mood e. Sarap ng ice cream tapos ganung mukha nasa harap ko. Grrr~

So there, I got my cammy and we used it. Gotta upgrade the mem though soon. And yes, I named it Chokie. It be chocolate colored. Almost same as my maroon V9 named Ronnie (from Veronika)…and soon my lappy (which would hopefully be somewhat magenta-ish).

You have 187 posts, 5 pages, 4 drafts, contained within 32 categories and 0 tags. You have 308 total comments, 308 approved, 0 spam and 0 awaiting moderation.

***Just saw this. I’ve more comments on my blog than posts. Ang daldal ng mga commenters ko ;p

I’ve had my fair share of in-betweens. That only happens in my personal life though. In my career it’s always the extremes. I’m on a rage whenever it’s about work. My friends would always tell me they can’t seem to keep up with me. It’s not a race. They just can’t seem to figure out where I’m at and what I’m doing. By the time they do learn about the itsy bitsy details, I’m off to another job.

My friends, they like their comfort zones. They’d rant and rant about their careers not going anywhere. The moment a new opportunity comes up, they’d stop dead on their tracks and change their minds. They’d come up with 10,000 reasons why it’s not a viable plan. Just now I had a very long talk with a friend. At the end of the conversation I heard the magic words, “I can’t change.”

You can guess how comments like that gets to me. I’m the “it” person when you want something done. I’m all in when it comes to new projects and implementations. I’m excited with new prospects. And I wither with ho-hum jobs and projects (giving me bullshit is not part of the exciting part). So when I heard that word “can’t” I told him off.

“You just lost your right to rant. Once you say you can’t, you lose any kind of reason to rant. Hakuna Matata. No Worries. Why worry if your problem has a solution? You don’t. You get up and you work your ass off with whatever solution you have. Why worry if your problem has no solution? You don’t. You move on cause it won’t matter what you do, whether you cry until you’re dead, there’s simply no solution.”

With that he said, “Ang galeng mo talaga pards!” There. I said my piece. And if that didn’t rattle him to his reality then I can’t do anything short of running him over with a 4×4.

And I’m giving myself the same treatment. So I’ve been ranting about not having anything to do at work and being bored to death nightly. Is there a solution? Yes. There. I found a proxy server. I dunno how long this would last. Point is, I stopped ranting for tonight and did what I had to do. Now next on the list, how do I get my laptop. I don’t care if it takes me ages. I’m gonna get what I want. Or just want something else. Hakuna matata!